Peer feedback on the 'Only Lonely' essay

Transition words

Certain transitions were used very much in your essay: moreover, therefore, thus, etc. Most of these transitions are used to signal cause and effect (thus, therefore) or addition (moreover, in addition). I think the paragraphs might be easier to read with fewer of these transitional words, especially where they are situated close together in the text, for example when you have two cause and effect sentences in a row. You might also consider indicating the number of arguments on either side with (first…second…third…). Perhaps you could also find other ways to express "for example".

Introduction

The thesis sentence of your essay seems to come in the last paragraph, should you introduce it more clearly here in the introduction? I think it is a good strategy to raise interest by comparing how our thinking about children has changed in the last 30 years. But maybe it would be more effective to first introduce the "old thinking" about population growth and then come to the main topic of the prevalence of one child families. In the first two sentences the geography contrast is a little confusing since Italy is in Europe. Would it be useful here to give a surprising statistic to back up the trend's importance?

Language

The language was generally quite clear. The vocabulary was accurate and understandable. I thought maybe sometimes you might have tried a more "academic" sounding word as suggested in class, like using a synonym for some of the following words and word phrases: for "more and more" perhaps use "increasingly", for "give up" use "relinquish". For the words only child/children you should consider if there are any other terms you can use as a synonym for variety like "sole child" or "lone/isolated adolescent" as is the case with the word "siblings". The word "diminish" used like this tends to be used in the passive. The word "things" was used too much in this essay. Maybe you can replace it with a more descriptive word or just leave it out altogether. Is the word "demands" the right word to be used here?

Conclusion

The conclusion really stated your opinion clearly. I think the conclusion starts well by summarizing your thesis or main argument (for the first time though actually). But then I wasn't sure what you wanted to say after that. Do you mean that researchers should not focus on "happiness" as an outcome but rather as a social and emotional development? I feel the last sentence also is kind of bland and you could end on a stronger note, maybe an extension of your own opinion? You tend to jump around a little too much in the conclusion and, therefore, perhaps it loses some of its rhetorical power.

A Sample peer feedback

Hi Riitta,

This is my overall response to your writing. I think this was a great draft. The current trend to have one child is an interesting topic the question you posed or whether having just one is beneficial to the kid is an interesting one. I like the idea of contrasting the way our thinking has changed, from being worried about overpopulation to wondering whether one kid is actually healthy. Your opinion is very clear through the essay but not really stated in the introduction. Maybe you should say in the beginning what you are going to argue for.

Your writing gives a good variety of arguments both for and against having only one child. I feel your opinions where very strongly expressed with regard to the first issue of choosing to raise one child. When you say “these kinds of arguments are usually based on selfish demands as the parents do not want to give up their career” it sounds like you are really passing strong judgement on these parents. But I think you give a much more balanced presentation of the second problem of “parental attention”. I a not sure you wanted to sound so strong in parts, or if you would like to have a more even tone throughout?

It was hard for me sometimes to know what was your opinion and what was a summary of the Newsweek article’s ideas. As a reader, I would have liked you to hear if you agree with the article or have a criticism of it?

The paragraphs generally had enough detail and stood well one their own, although sometimes though it was a little difficult to jump from one to the next. It might have helped me if you charted the relationships between the paragraphs a little more.

The language was really clear and the vocabulary understandable. I thought maybe sometimes you might try a more “academic” sounding word as suggested in class, like a different word for “more and more”, or “give up” or “leave out”.

The conclusion really stated your opinion clearly. But then you talk about research done in this area, and problems with it. You mention that the research is “not reliable”. This sounds like a very firm statement! I suppose someone thinks happiness research is worthwhile even if I see what you mean. Perhaps you should be somewhat more guarded or use some “hedges” as the teacher was trying to get us to.

I enjoyed reading your essay and good luck with the revisions.

Kimmo